What I Wouldn't Give
by MahliaLily
Summary: Rory and Jess songfic. Read at your own risk.


**What I Wouldn't Give**

**_Disclaimer_**_: Not mine. Oh, and the song is "I Don't Know You Anymore" by __Savage __Garden__._

**_A/N_**_: Okay, this is a songfic. I don't particularly like songfics. I think this one sucks. But I wrote it, and I told people they could read it, so here it is. I'd dedicate it to **Ali**, but that'd be cruel. If possible, I recommend reading it while listening to the song. It sucks slightly less that way. -Becka_

He loosened his grip on the steering wheel. Immediately, the dull ache in his hands started to fade. Color began to return to the knuckles. He stretched his fingers out, freeing them of the tension. His gaze caught on the glint of gold around his finger, and his jaw tightened. His eyes shot to the road again. His fingers curled back into place. He wasn't sure what he was doing.__

Her voice had sounded forced when he'd called. That first word had escaped his lips when she'd answered, and her tone had shifted from genial to jaded. She didn't want to hear from him. He'd almost hung up. But she hadn't, so he held on, despite the sudden weight of the phone.

-

_I would like to visit you for a while_

_Get away and out of this city_

_Maybe I shouldn't have called_

_But someone had to be the first to break_

-

"I need to see you," he'd forced out, cutting to the chase before the threadbare string she was dangling snapped and fell away.

-

_We can go sit on your back porch_

_Relax_

_Talk about anything_

_It don't matter_

_-_

He added, "Please."

"Jess," she'd breathed. Her tone told him not to bother. It was too late.

"I know," he accepted. "I just… I'm coming."

"You shouldn't."

"Rory," he said simply. "I'm coming."

-

_I'll be courageous if you can pretend_

_-_

She was silent, then, in barely a whisper, "Okay."

He almost hadn't heard it. Her voice had sounded tiny, a million miles away but stretching across the distance to reach him.

-

_That you've forgiven me_

_-_

"Okay," he'd whispered to the dial tone.

_-_

_Cuz__ I don't know you anymore_

_-_

He grabbed his keys off the counter before the phone even had time to settle into its cradle. Glancing around the apartment, he ran a hand through his hair. Dishes in the sink. Clothes on the floor. Ashtrays full of cigarette butts. Empty bookshelves.

_-_

_I don't recognize this place_

_The picture frames have changed_

_And so has your name_

_-_

He headed out the door.

_-_

_We don't talk much anymore_

_We keep running from the pain_

_-_

The tires screeched as he left the parking lot.

_-_

_But what I wouldn't give to see your face again_

_-_

The scenery flashed by outside the window. Bright blurs of green and blue.

_-_

_Springtime in the city_

_-_

Spring had come weeks ago, and he hadn't even noticed. He noticed now.

_-_

_Always such a relief from the winter freeze_

_-_

He rolled down the window and breathed it in. His lungs stung from the unexpected fresh air, straining against the cigarette damage he'd inflicted.

_-_

_The snow was more lonely than cold_

_If you know what I mean_

_-_

He glanced in the rearview mirror and caught his reflection. Dark, tired circles under bloodshot eyes. Days-old stubble. Hair sticking in every direction. He smirked. Looks like everyone was right; he looked like shit.

-

_Everyone's got an agenda_

_Don't stop_

_Keep that chin up_

_-_

How many times had he told them to go to hell? He'd lost count. So had they. His eyes met their reflection, and he saw what they'd seen. Focusing back on the road, he breathed.

_-_

_You'll be all right_

_-_

Looking to his left, he switched lanes. Then, stubbornly, he fixed his eyes on the ring around his finger. Forcing himself to look.

_-_

_Can you believe what a year it's been?_

_-_

So much had changed. So much had gone wrong. And that was just him. He knew so little about her. Her life.

_-_

_Are you still the same?_

_-_

The last time he'd seen her, her eyes had been wild. The tears had been lurking just below the surface. But she'd been poised and determined. Determined to get him the hell out.

-

_Has your opinion changed?_

_-_

She'd looked beautiful.

_-_

_Cuz__ I don't know you anymore_

_-_

He knew for certain even now that hadn't changed.

-

_I don't recognize this place._

_The picture frames have changed_

_And so has your name_

-

But everything else had.

_-_

_We don't talk much anymore_

_-_

He sped up.

-

_We keep running from these sentences_

_-_

Wishing it could race him back in time.

-

_What I wouldn't give to see your face again_

_-_

"I'm sorry." Would it have been so hard? It could've changed everything.

_-_

_I know I let you down again and again_

_-_

He'd been so fucking proud of her that day. There she was, ripping his heart out with her bare hands, and he'd loved her for it.

_-_

_I know I never really treated you right_

_-_

Standing up for herself. Telling him that love wasn't enough. That he needed to give her more. That he needed to give her him.

_-_

_I've paid the price_

_-_

He'd walked out.

_-_

_I'm still paying for it everyday_

_-_

And she'd refused to let him back in.

-

_So maybe I shouldn't have called_

_-_

He'd loved her for that too. Because now he was ready. Really ready. Now that it meant anything. Not that it mattered.

_-_

_Was it too soon to tell?_

_-_

Not that he could prove it.

-

_What the hell_

_It doesn't really matter_

_How do you redefine something that never really had a name?_

_-_

But he could damn well try. Find the words. Make her see.

_-_

_Has your opinion changed?_

_-_

That he was hers. And she was everything.

_-_

_Cuz__ I don't know you anymore_

_-_

He pulled into the driveway and turned off the engine. She'd planted flowers. He reached down and gently snapped one off. Then he walked to the door. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the key. It felt heavy and light at the same time. He slid it into the lock and turned until he heard the click. Then, soundlessly, he walked in.

_-_

_I don't recognize this place_

_-_

It looked different. She'd rearranged the furniture. Removed his books from the shelves. Removed him from everything. He walked further into the room and looked around. She'd put out new pictures. Her face smiled back at him. Hesitantly, he moved towards it.

_-_

_The picture frames have changed_

_And so has your name_

_-_

He studied her image closely, learning about this new woman. "Rory Gilmore." She'd changed it back. When she'd answered the phone with her maiden name, his heart had sputtered and collapsed. "Rory Gilmore." This new woman who was no longer his.

_-_

_We don't talk much anymore_

_-_

He let his eyes drift to the other pictures, and then he saw it. It was tucked back, almost out of view. But it was there. He reached out and picked it up with his free hand. God, she had looked so beautiful that day.

_-_

_We keep running from the ache_

_-_

It was dust-free, and he could see the faint mark of one of her fingerprints on the edge of the frame. It was hope.

_-_

_But what I wouldn't give to see your face again_

_-_

He set the picture back into place and started to step back when he felt her enter the room. Instinctively, his eyes turned to her. She looked tired too. Worn. He let himself look at her. Took in the subtle difference in the way her hair was styled. Reacquainted himself with the contours of her face, the blue shade of her eyes.

_-_

_I see your face_

_-_

As he studied her, she remained silent. Then, nervously, she brushed her hair behind her ear, and he saw it. The sparkle of the tiny diamond set in white gold. Still encircling her finger where he'd placed it. He smiled.

Then, hesitantly, he walked towards her. She waited.

He took a deep breath and held out the tulip.

She recognized it immediately and couldn't stop the grin.

Reaching out, she took it, letting her fingers brush across the back of his hand.

"Hey," he whispered.

She met his eyes shyly. "Hey."

-

_I see your face._


End file.
